Expectations, cont.
My first call to set the ice cream down came from Psalm 63:
“Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you.
So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips…”
“… as with fat and rich food…”
ie: enough with the ice cream. it won’t satisfy what you need it to. please try praise instead.
Thus began a slow unveiling. a learning of His desire and capacity to uniquely satisfy my soul here… all by exposing two very-important-yet-very-skewed, self-created definitions:
Adventure.
When I thought about this word previously, in the context of Brazil, my mind drifted immediately to big, obvious, wonder-full notions… like introducing my kids to the world and fostering an appreciation for travel, culture, people and language.
These anticipations would, of course, naturally be accomplished through frequent explorations (aka: adventures) in the city, in the country, and through the whole of South America.
It was a lovely plan.
Here’s the catch: prior to our arrival, I knew we would be living in a new country AND I knew that I would still be a stay at home mom.
This would not be one giant, family backpacking trip. I knew that. I knew that I would be accompanied by my increasingly independent toddler AND my utterly dependent, arm (and time) consuming babe. I knew to expect nap times. early bedtimes. more solo hours parenting. less familiarity and ease in getting out. I knew all of this.
To my subconscious self though, the anticipations of a new country trumped the daily life I knew to expect. It was easier to daydream about grand family adventures in the world than the “normal” ventures of stay-at-home life.
And so my definition of adventure, in the context of Brazil, was based more on my experience and love for traveling abroad and less on the predictable rhythms of living abroad.
Self.
Similarly, in the context of Brazil, I saw myself first and foremost as an intrepid explorer.
Because I love traveling, I would acclimate quickly to a new culture.
Because language is crucial, I would study furiously and speak fearlessly.
Because I have now moved TWICE with a bucket-list of items unchecked, I would intentionally embrace the fullness of our new city.
And because our time is limited, I would do it all NOW.
And then we moved to Brazil.
And the intrepid explorer encountered bureaucracy. and obstacles. and delays. and fear.
Exploring within the walls of our new home became insufficient quickly. Yet I was overwhelmed by the idea of navigating the city while managing the temperaments and schedules of two kids by myself (hello new mom of TWO).
When the three of us did venture out, we were usually accompanied by our relocation specialist to a variety of office buildings: the bank, the notary, the doctor… then vaccination clinics and government agencies. We spent countless hours sitting in cubicles to obtain required ID numbers, a local bank account, and London’s four-month vaccinations.
Please note: government agencies and vaccination clinics were not among the bucket-list items I was anxious to embrace.
So there I was. in Brazil. yet feeling confined and unable to unleash the intrepid explorer.
which left me…
Confused. and frustrated.
***
A New Perspective
In His gentle, grace-filled way, God revealed that my very-important-yet-very-skewed working definitions were the overflow of a very skewed “either/or” mentality:
I am either an intrepid explorer or I am a stay at home mom.
This season is either full of wonderfully big adventures or it is simply not an adventure.
Oh how this mentality wrapped myself into the quaintest of boxes.
I can now appreciate the truth and beauty of living a “both/and” reality.
I am both traveler and mom. wife and writer. timid learner and fearless leader.
I am, equally, all of the intricacies God so delicately designed within me.
And the beauty of this particular place, in this particular season, is that it provides an abundance of space for ALL the facets of my being to be… wonder-filled. intensely engaged, stretched, expressed, and appreciated.
Each in time, though sometimes all at once.
And adventure? It is both / and, just like me.
It is big and obvious and wonder-full and it is small, ordinary, miss-able.
It is exploring intrepidly someplace new and it is learning to thrive within familiar, daily rhythms.
Today’s adventure: narrowly escaping sharks in the “ocean” that is our living room rug.
Next weekend: the city zoo
Someday soon: a weekend outside our city’s borders
worthy adventures, every one of them.
